Demo'ed

While we were on our road trip for my birthday we drove through Rockledge and saw the old hospital they are demolishing bit by bit. I've never been able to get so close to this kind of job site and it fascinates me, so I snapped a few more pics from the car.

Aside from it being excellent visuals for a story I'm writing for pleasure (yes, everything is grist for the mill) there is something haunting about getting close to such large scale destruction. It's apocalyptic for sure, but it's also a stunning visual metaphor for many things.

The deconstruction site reminds me of how I've always torn down myself for never being good enough for others. No matter how much success I achieved, it was never enough for any of them. I was pushed to do more, land more contracts, write more books, and hand over the money I made. Everyone demanded, no one encouraged.

As a result I never wasted any opportunity I had as a professional. When one thing didn't reach the levels that others wanted, I tried something else. When I reached the levels they wanted, they set new ones. I remember the first time one of my works reached an important milestone. Instead of congratulating me my agent told me it wasn't good enough. I needed to write more, sell more, and do whatever I could to reach higher and higher success levels.

I tried. I worked myself into the ground trying to live up to outside expectations, and despite all that effort (and considerable professional achievement for someone with no formal education) I never did. I now know that I never would have.

This past year I have discovered in the best way that I am enough, just as I am. Just being is enough. Quietly steadying and calming myself through spiritual studies has set me on a path that is transforming my life. I've been able to fully detach myself from others and be my own light. I dream of building myself into an entirely new person, one who cannot be demolished. For now, however, just living in peace and calm is enough. It will always be enough, too.