Sands

Back in June I got to the point where I was creating and scheduling posts to publish nearly ten weeks ahead of their date, at which point I decided to stop. I love online journaling, but this mild obsession to put masses of posts on the blog so I don't miss a day of posting has really gotten out of hand. It's all about my health situation, I think, and the fact that time is running out for me.

Let me say upfront that time is running out for everyone, so I'm not special. I think I've just become more aware of it lately.

I don't talk much about my health situation because it's problematic and sometimes can seem a bit scary. On the day I'm writing this particular post (June 25th) I am recovering from a kidney infection. For a couple of days I was pretty sick, and worried I'd have to go to the doctor and endure a lot of tests and poking and prodding. Diabetics are always at risk for kidney problems; one in three develop chronic kidney disease. I have one tried and true method that usually works, and this time it has, as my symptoms are almost gone.

Honestly, it is scary at this time of life. So far I've been lucky in that nothing permanent has set in, but there's always a sense of "that will change" lingering in my head.

As I've mentioned in a previous post I've upped my exercise, lost 12 pounds since March, and I'm sticking to my modified diet. What I didn't say is that the higher dose of meds I'm on and all the walking exhausts me, and I have no appetite, so I have to force myself to eat. I'm dropping weight I don't need, but the thinner I become, the less I want food. If I take my meds without food, they make me sick. My digestion has accelerated to the point of where I have to be careful to time my meds and my meals or I end up going in and out of the bathroom for hours. The other day I skipped lunch, for example, and my colon didn't like that at all.

The health situation is pretty depressing, too. My arthritis has gotten to the point where I am losing the ability to do some things. You don't think twisting open a jar with your hand is a big deal until you can't do it anymore. Also, handwriting and hand stitching. I love both, but my dexterity is decreasing by the day. Soon both will become impossible for me, and that makes me blue.

What to do? The best one can under the circumstances, I believe. I don't dwell on what I can't do, but focus on what I can. I've rediscovered my love of crochet this year. I've found physical aids that can help me with the tasks I can no longer manage, or I just ask for help. The world will not end if my guy opens a jar of pickels for me. I can type letters and use my sewing machine.

As for my depression, I look for ways to find happiness every day. I think most creative older people have the most trouble with this. What I've done is become more focused on noticing the world around me, watching the sky, and taking pleasure in nature. I walk everywhere, all the time, and there's always something to see. I spend time with my guy and our pups, and they make me happy. I am kinder to myself than I have been at any other stage of life, too. If I make a mistake, I forgive myself and try again (a valuable habit, as I mess up all the time these days.)

It helps to have an understanding partner. Example: the other day I was so caught up in my research for the day job that time got away from me, and my guy had to come and tell me it was 15 minutes past dinner time. I never miss making our evening meal, but I wasn't watching the clock. Rather than chide me or make fun of me, he just took me out for dinner that night.

As I mentioned, time is running out for all of us. What we do with our remaining time is what defines the rest of our lives. I look forward to more challenges, but also more happiness. There is no other way to live for me.

Image credit: Image by Hans-Joachim Müller-le Plat from Pixabay