Forgiving Myself

The other night I noticed I made a pretty large mistake in the throw I was crocheting. I made it two hours before I noticed it, in fact, which meant if I wanted to correct it I would have to rip out two and a half very long rows. My other choice was to keep going and hope it wouldn't be noticeable.

I'm not lazy. I ripped out two hours of work to fix the mistake. I didn't curse myself for making it.

Back at the end of November I completely wrecked myself and the holiday projects I'd planned by spraining a finger while taking a shower. At the time I was working on, of all things, a silly little dollar store crochet kit.

Honestly, it was a bit of a relief not to have to work on holiday projects so much. I splinted up my finger and did the best I could for the rest of the holidays. I didn't kick myself for the accident.

I made this crochet bear from baby blanket yarn, and misread the pattern, so it turned out like I'd given it thalidomide. My first shot at making a toy out of that yarn, in fact. I was glad I'd attempted it, and didn't beat up myself for making a mistake with the pattern.

Notice a common theme here?

I'm really not a perfectionist, but I do expect a lot from myself. I always have. My mother did, and so did my grandmother. Only Dad loved me for me, not what I could do. Sadly I didn't appreciate that until after I lost him.

When my failures happen, I remind myself to be more accepting and forgiving. It genuinely doesn't bother me anymore since I've begun doing this. It is easy to become depressed over my diminishing abilities, but choosing to follow another path has made all the difference, and provided some interesting side benefits as well.

I know now that I never should have been so critical of myself when I was younger and more capable. That came from being bullied, judged and treated badly; I thought I had to do better to counter that and to earn the affection and appreciation of others. Here's a secret: no matter what you do, certain people will always bully, judge and treat you badly. This comes not from your flaws and short-comings, but their low self-esteem issues and the joy it gives them to harm others in order to feel good about themselves.

In my case I've always been gifted at my profession, and have made a lot of money doing what I love. Guess what? No one loves or even appreciates you for that. They instead use you, and at the same time do all they can to make you feel bad about yourself.

It took me a lifetime to figure all this out. When I crossed over the threshold from middle-aged to senior gal, stepped out of the spotlight and finally got all those toxic people out of my life, I took a long look at myself and how much I have accomplished over the last 64 years. I've done a lot, and for the most part I've done it well. I've served my country, saved lives, turned disappointments into opportunities, made my lifelong dream become a reality and rose to the top tier of my dream profession. I have done more than I ever dreamed I would while dealing with some very toxic people in my personal and professional life as well.

I no longer need the approval of others (certainly not bullies and vindictive people) to be validated or appreciated. Seeking that was entirely pointless. Although I never have in the past, I can and do love and appreciate myself now. The gifts that everyone envied or hated me for having have now become a fortress I've built out of my dreams and visions. I live in my world, warts and all, and I have never been happier.

Want to start out on the right path yourself? It's simple: the next time you're tempted to beat up yourself for a mistake you made, take a moment to instead accept that you failed. It's really not the end of the world. Then, when you're ready, try again.