The (non)Working Hand

I knew when I was diagnosed with arthritis at 28 that the time I had to use my hands was limited. I had already given up a lot of dreams because of my condition. After two surgeries left my dominant hand basically useless all I had left was one. I lost painting, knitting and a lot of other abilities. Thirty years after that I made do with one hand (and got pretty good at it, frankly) arthritis invaded my working hand, ultimately leaving me with three fingers I could use. I was cheerful about it. Three fingers are better than none.

I got thirty-five years of limited use out of my hands, and I am grateful. Most people with my condition aren't that lucky. I think sewing, quilting and my other creative endeavors have helped me hang onto as much use of my working hand as I could.

Now the painful truth is I've finally run out of time, and I'm rapidly losing what use I have left. My fingers are stiff as little boards, the joints swollen and painful. Gripping anything hurts like I'm being burned. My two non-working fingers are twisting and flaring with so much pain I haven't been able to move them on many days. My left/useless hand is now actually stronger than my right working hand.

I won't let this stop me from doing the things I love, of course. I just have to learn to do them differently. Crochet seems to be the easiest thing for me; I can hang onto the hook fairly well. I can still quilt, although I'm much slower and must rely on the sewing machine more. I can see a time not too far off, however, where almost everything I enjoy doing creatively will be impossible for me to continue.

I'm not bitter or disappointed. I think the reason I've made so many things during my life is because I was mentally preparing for the time ahead when I won't be able to. That's fine; I always knew I'd end up here. Also, I was supposed to be completely crippled by the time I was 40, and instead I got an extra 23 years to function beyond that diagnosis. I'm lucky, and I know it.

Hand images generated by Hotpot AI, which seems to have problems of its own with fingers. Oh, well.

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Stuff

After finding this Caron one pound skein of lovely peach yarn in my thrifted lot I raided my stash for two cakes of Mandala in Pegasus, which matches it perfectly. For practice and hand therapy I'm going to make another Worth Street Afghan with this free pattern , but this time I'll use the yarn that was recommended for it plus the one pound skein. I'm not quite ready to do the vintage/recycled linen quilt I had planned (still a bit too nervous about the idea), so I'm going to use some color therapy and make a quilt from these thrifted green fat quarters. I considered doing another Yellow Brick road patchwork pattern, but I might go with a split rail fence like this one.

Journal Find

This is a page from my 2010 poetry journal. My handwriting isn't the best, so I'll transcribe it: If my heart survives to tell all the secrets kept inside it will be an abalone shell in which the beauty did reside. But I think I will always be lost to the tides that rage in me . . . humbling and polishing . . . I don't write many self-portrait poems, but this one isn't too embarrassing. A bit overly dramatic, but the girl I was eleven years ago went through some tough times. I'm in a much more peaceful place today.

The Numbers

Back in March my diabetes doctor changed my medication and encouraged me to alter my diet and exercise more in order to bring down my A1C, which at the time tested out at a dismal 8.3 (normal is 5.8.) So for the next two months I dealt with the increased meds, stuck to my decidedly grim diet and added a lot more walking to my exercise regime. P.S., it's never fun to be a diabetic, but over the last couple of months I've really tried to keep a good attitude about it. Attitude isn't everything, but it helps a lot when you have to make significant changes while battling a disease like this. Yesterday I performed a home A1C test, and I'm currently at 6.5. That's pretty amazing results, even for me. If I can get it down another half point before I see the doctor in July I'd be over the moon, but I feel like I've already done great. Image credit: Image by Daniele Liberatori from Pixabay

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