My last batch of blood tests came in, and my numbers have improved slightly. In a few days I go in for outpatient treatment for some skin issues. I always try to see my health as a self-improvement project, although lately I've been thinking that it's more like being on the Titanic.
I never asked to be a passenger on this boat, but here I am anyway. I know where I'm headed, and I can't get off the boat unless I want to reach my final destination earlier than planned. This enormous, beautiful behemoth that has carried me along for all these years will someday hit some random iceberg and sink. I think the most likely iceberg for me will be a health problem that becomes terminal. I can't escape that, avoid it, or bargain my way out of dying from it. I can't fix this boat and keep it from happening. No one can save me. Once my boat crashes I will be going into that dark, cold water. That's how my life ends.
I don't want to depress you, but that's how everyone's life ends.
I always wondered why the band played on while the Titanic was sinking. When I was younger I thought those guys were crazy to do that. Why didn't they try to get into a lifeboat? Why didn't they fight to live? But I think I understand them a little better now. Maybe they knew they were going into the water no matter what they tried, and they decided to spend what time they had left doing what they loved.
When my boat hits that iceberg I want to be sitting on the deck with the band. I hope I'll be writing in a journal or typing up the next scene in my latest novel. Maybe I'll be quilting or embroidering something. But I'd like to be doing something I love with people who are doing the same.
That isn't the best way to die. It's the best way to live.
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