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제사 (Jesa)

Mom died a year ago today. So many people have died over the last two years I feel almost selfish thinking about my own loss, and I prefer to celebrate birthdays of those I've lost rather than the day they passed away. Still, it's always in the back of my mind when the calendar rolls around to that particular date. Because I knew it was coming at me I pressed ahead with getting the linen quilt ready for stitching so I'd have something to work on today.

I feel a little depressed, mostly, but also calm and accepting. Emotionally I had a much harder time dealing with losing my dad. My mother's death released me from many ties and obligations to people who have been toxic to me all my life. Since Mom passed I've also had to send my favorite person off to start her new life, so in a way it reminds me to be a better person to those I love while I can. I've done okay, I think, but I can do better.

I think Mom would understand all this. As for mourning, I'd rather remember the good things about her, and this year do something to celebrate her birthday the way I do with my dad and grandmother. That seems the way to go on.

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