Happy Birthday, Mom

There are a half-dozen grapefruit on your memorial tree right now, Mom. We'll probably have them for New Year's Eve. I think of you every time I look at the new trees.

It's been seven months since you died, and it still doesn't feel quite real to me. I keep thinking of things I want to make for you: a pair of crocheted slippers to keep your feet warm, a pretty lap quilt, a wall hanging full of flowers that will never die. I have things here that I did make for you, unaware that I would finish them too late to send them. I don't know what to do with them now. The other day I was at the store and saw an outfit in your favorite color and thought, "Mom would love that" before I remembered you aren't here to wear the clothes I buy for you any more.

It's not denial, exactly, it's more like I keep forgetting that you are beyond me, in a place I don't know or understand. You will always be my mom, just as I'll be your daughter, but there is no more us here. There's just me.

Today I will be happy. It's the day you were born, and the grapefruits are growing, and my life has settled down again into comfortable rhythms of work and play, focus and dreams, sadness and joy. I am your daughter still, here and well. If you can, be happy with me.

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Journal Find

This is a page from my 2010 poetry journal. My handwriting isn't the best, so I'll transcribe it: If my heart survives to tell all the secrets kept inside it will be an abalone shell in which the beauty did reside. But I think I will always be lost to the tides that rage in me . . . humbling and polishing . . . I don't write many self-portrait poems, but this one isn't too embarrassing. A bit overly dramatic, but the girl I was eleven years ago went through some tough times. I'm in a much more peaceful place today.

Stuff

After finding this Caron one pound skein of lovely peach yarn in my thrifted lot I raided my stash for two cakes of Mandala in Pegasus, which matches it perfectly. For practice and hand therapy I'm going to make another Worth Street Afghan with this free pattern , but this time I'll use the yarn that was recommended for it plus the one pound skein. I'm not quite ready to do the vintage/recycled linen quilt I had planned (still a bit too nervous about the idea), so I'm going to use some color therapy and make a quilt from these thrifted green fat quarters. I considered doing another Yellow Brick road patchwork pattern, but I might go with a split rail fence like this one.

Another World

Since I'm watching more Japanese dramas these days I'm able to find more hidden gems, like the drama Silent . This is a subtle, emotional romance series, and authentically portrays what it's like to deal with a major disability while trying to get on with life and fall in love. Here's the story: in high school Sou Sakura (Meguro Ren) and Tsumugi Aoba (Haruna Kawaguchi) are a young couple. They have the same quirky sense of humor, love music, and really enjoy being with each other. The fact that they're the most attractive couple in school is obvious, but the innocent and fun nature of their relationship is what makes it so perfect. They just like talking with each other. Then, quite suddenly, Sou dumps Tsumugi (by text, no less, making him a giant ass) and vanishes. Years later Tsumugi is now in a relationship with another guy, with whom she's happy, and is looking for a place where they can live together. By accident she runs into Sou, and discovers ...

Rayen

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