Healing

Millions have died during this pandemic, but every one of those huge horrible numbers was a person who meant something to many. I lost an old friend last year to the virus. We were connected by family, so we mostly met at holiday gatherings. I know she guessed how shy I was, because no matter what was going on she always took the time to sit down and talk to me. She made me laugh every time I saw her, too. Much later I learned that she had struggled with poverty and family troubles her entire life, but she never complained or bad-mouthed anyone in my presence. She was simply a lovely person.

Dementia took my mother from me as it gradually stripped her of memories and awareness of others. I still remember the first time she confused me with a nurse, and how shocked I was that anything could make a mother forget her daughter. Over a short period of time I became a stranger to her. I went through the same thing with my dad when Alzheimer's slowly stole his mind from him, so I should have been better prepared. I wasn't.

My greatest wish for my mother was that she live happily and comfortably for the rest of her life, and I believe she did. She chose to live with my older brother, who was her favorite person on the planet, and I know he took good care of her. He's cared for several people at the end of their lives. She stopped communicating with me as her disease progressed, but I kept writing to her and sending things she liked.

I was thinking about what to put in her Mother's Day package when my brother called with the news. Actually I knew she was gone when my guy woke me up to tell me about the call. I don't know how; I just knew.

My mother once confessed to me that she was terribly afraid of dying. Hearing that astonished me, too, as she had always been a very religious person. I thought her faith provided her with reassurance of what will happen after death. I'd like to believe there is more, and for her sake I hope there is, and that she's with my dad. If there isn't, then I hope my brother told me the truth when he said she died peacefully.

Whether it's slowly or suddenly, death tears people away from us. The absence of my mother in my life has been a reality for a while now, but it doesn't matter that I'll never see her again in this life. I will remember her when I plant a fruit tree for her on Mother's Day. I'll remember what a kind person she was, and how much she loved my dad. I'll remember until I heal from this. I'll remember, Mom.